Is it possible to be both humble and confident—in your personal life and in leadership? Yes. It’s possible and effective.
Humility is being honestly aware of your weaknesses and current limitations.
Confidence is being aware of your strengths and living with unshakable self-belief about your capacity to learn, grow, and overcome.
Having both qualities means finding the middle way between humiliation—or morbid obsession on our weaknesses—and false pride—or artificially inflating our strengths. Finding the balance of confidence and humility, power and awareness, is so important that I wrote a full book about it, Wise Confidence.
Here are some tips to get you started. If you want to know more, consider getting the book.
The Essence of Confident Humility
Admitting Ignorance and Embracing Accountability
Humility involves understanding and accepting our limitations. It means recognizing that we don’t know everything, that there are abilities that don’t come easily for us, that there are strengths that we don’t currently have, and that we have shortcomings that hold us back.
But do we have to be content with all our limitations? No! We begin with self-acceptance, and from there we can make changes we want to make.
Once we humbly accept our limitations—without shaming ourselves for being human—we open up to a world of growth and potential.
Why? Because we are being fully honest with ourselves. We are willing to learn from our mistakes, embrace accountability, and get support to outgrow what is holding us back.
The Power of a Beginner’s Mindset
In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.
—Shunryu Suzuki
There’s a story from Zen that illustrates this powerful idea.
An important man visited a master and asked to be taught Zen. This well-dressed visitor talked at length about Buddhist concepts, going on about philosophies he had learned. The master smiled and said that they should share a cup of tea.
When the tea arrived, the master poured the visitor a cup, and continued pouring till the tea spilled over the cup, across the table, and onto the visitor’s expensive robes. “Stop!” shouted the visitor. “Can’t you see the cup is full?”
The Zen master smiled and stopped pouring. “Your mind is like this tea cup, so full that nothing more can be added. Come back when your cup is empty.”
So, the power of beginner’s mind, the empty cup, is that you operate from the assumption that there are many things for you to learn and to grow into. That way, you’re truly open to continuous learning—and to transformation into who you want to be.
Developing Confident Humility in Personal and Professional Life
If you have humility without confidence, you have disempowered humility—and the world can trample you over. What we want is the balance of virtues; in this case, confident humility, or what I call wise confidence. Here are some ways to develop it.
Active Listening and Focusing on Others
“Active listening” is an important tool from therapy and can improve your interactions with others, whether personal or professional. Here are the key parts of the technique.
- Pay full attention when listening.
- Ask clarifying questions as needed.
- Reflect back what you have heard.
- Show empathy, trying to comprehend the other person’s perspectives without judgment.
This approach helps you understand the deeper meaning of what someone is saying, beyond the words themselves. Can you see how it shows respect for the other person and opens your mind?
Consider also this Training the Mind, Verse 2, from the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet.
Whenever I interact with someone,
—14th Dalai Lama of Tibet
May I view myself as the lowest amongst all,
And, from the very depths of my heart,
Respectfully hold others as superior.
That’s humility in action, and it assures active listening!
If anyone you’re meeting may know something that you don’t, or have some abilities or qualities that you don’t, it puts you in a mindset of humility, allowing you to listen more actively, with curiosity about what that person may have to offer.
Self-Reflection for Accurate Perception
Self-reflection is the mother of wisdom, as it leads to us having an accurate self-perception. If we don’t take time to reflect, we won’t always see where we may be lacking—in humility, wisdom, confidence, or other qualities. We repeat our mistakes, and we don’t grow.
You can begin your process by journaling—it’s the easiest DIY self-awareness tool. There are many methodologies for journaling, but the one I recommend the most is the GAIA Journal, which includes gratitude for your day, awareness of what needs to improve, and intention for tomorrow, and self-evaluation regarding your alignment with your values. You can try it in the Higher Mind app.
Learning from Others’ Feedback for Continuous Improvement
If you want to keep growing as a person, self-reflection is the starting point, but you also need to receive and process feedback from others, as a way to see beyond your blind spots. That means both seeking feedback from key people and considering feedback you get spontaneously.
Seeking honest feedback from wise people who know us well is crucial. However skillfully we practice awareness, we have blind spots! Other people who are perceptive and helpfully candid can point out things about us or in us that we could never see in a hundred years, and we need their input.
Considering spontaneous feedback takes advantage of what’s always around us, coming naturally from contact with other people—family members, friends, work or school colleagues, and people we encounter at the store or on the street. The hitch is that some of their feedback may not be accurate.
So, how do we discern what’s accurate? That is where wisdom comes in. Through self-reflection, intuition, and by consulting our core values, we come to understand what is true and useful for us.
Practical Methods to Cultivate Humility and Confidence
Here are two additional methods we can practice to develop wise and humble confidence.
Being Frugal with Words: The Art of Mindful Speech
Our voice is our power, and it is to be used wisely.
When we communicate mindfully, every expression is thoughtful, and every word is intentional. We speak purposefully, with focus, and in a tone of calm certainty. And you can only practice this by slowing down and speaking less.
Humble confidence in our tone means, “This is my conviction at this moment. I’m grounded in this conviction, but I’m aware that I may be proved wrong.” It also means that we’re not pushing our ideas down anyone else’s throat.
When we speak less, the words we speak have more power. We stay calmer, and it’s easier to practice awareness.
Remaining Calm and Composed
“Okay, Giovanni,” you may say. “I’ll do my best to speak mindfully, and not to blame, criticize, or make unreasonable demands. But what if other people do?”
Good question! Sometimes it’s hard to stay calm and composed in conversations with people who are—well, not calm and composed. What do we do then?
The first step is to re-center yourself through mindful breathing. While in the midst of the challenging situation, try to observe your breath, and guide it to be long, slow, and rhythmic. This will help you stay grounded and connected with yourself, including your core strengths.
Then, practice active listening. Some people will calm down when they notice you are listening, asking questions, and reflecting back their ideas with empathy. When the other person calms down, it will be easier for you to do so.
If those approaches don’t work, you may be dealing with an unreasonable person. If that’s the case, do you really need that influence around you? Consider how you can remove toxic people from your life or at least learn how to effectively set boundaries.
Philosophical and Moral Perspectives on Confident Humility
Finding the best blend of humility and confidence is a topic that has been with us for centuries, around the world. Here some key points of wisdom to consider.
Humble Confidence in Philosophical Texts
Ancient traditions, still valued today, can teach us much about balancing humility and confidence. Here are three examples.
The Buddha encouraged self-reflection and taught “the Middle Way” of avoiding extremes. He considered pride one of the poisons of the mind which bring suffering in life. His disciples were empowered and self-disciplined individuals who were also an example of humility.
The Stoics valued living by the four virtues of wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice. Wisdom helps us separate healthy, genuine confidence from overinflated ego. Moderation helps us find the balance between confidence to take virtuous action and humility to keep us from overstepping or acting pridefully.
The life and teachings of Jesus repeatedly illustrate the importance of humble confidence. His confidence came not from his ego or pride, but from his chosen connection to God—his humble willingness to serve God and to serve human beings throughout his life, and especially in his death.
The Role of Humility in Modern Ethics
In today’s society, many people are carried away by the desire to be liked, approved, and popular on social media. Some have a tendency to be extremist rather than humble in their posts, because it’s a good marketing move to gather attention. Unfortunately, it’s not helping us build a society of understanding.
Fortunately, modern values also include a sense of social equality, which calls for social humility rather than putting ourselves above others, and which sometimes involves being confident in standing up for our rights or the rights of others.
Most notably, the modern practice of civil disobedience in protesting political and/or religious practices includes civility in that disobedience. This requires a committed, strong balance of humility and confidence, lest the protest lose its integrity—into giving up, on the one hand, or violence, on the other.
Conclusion
Whatever your personal beliefs, humble and wise confidence will help you grow in your journey. Whatever your goals, having a high dose of confidence, but without its excesses, will be key to your progress.
You’ll approach each day with both intention and an open mind.
You’ll approach each goal with self-assurance and a clear awareness of the challenges involved.
You’ll get up when you fall, and you’ll do what needs to be done to see your goals through to completion.
For a deeper dive into these concepts, see my book, Wise Confidence.
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